rdativoanudrjtr

ASDFGHJKL;LDSKFBSL DIFEVW IOFRNH AC


I AM IN SUCH A BAD FUCKING MOOD RIGHT NOW. FUCK LIFE.

I SHOULD BE IN A GOOD ONE. I WEIGHED IN AT 152 THIS MORNING.

FUCK IT.
I’LL POST LATER.

Pizza Anyone?

Oh how I’d love to have pizza. Not just one slice. The entire pizza. As you know. Daddy Dearest got pizza last night. It was so tempting. But I didn’t give in. today I had something for orchestra (which is why I couldn’t attend S's very cool tea party.. sorry) where basically we performed for the math department at our school. About 60 people. They gave us pizza as a thank you. “Sarah, why aren’t you eating?” Oh I already ate. I’ll just have some diet coke. Thanks though. “Ok, if you’re sure..” yep. Oh how I wanted that pizza so bad. I gave my friend Tony my pizza. He was high. He had at least 10 pieces. No joke. That’s more calories than I’ve had all week…

Driving home from the concert I was pulling into my neighborhood. I hear two honks. I look over. It’s Eddie. I get out of the turning lane and follow him. He has to drop off some money then he will call me. I hate it that he deals. He calls me shortly after. “What are you doing?” I’m at home. What are you doing? “Not sure yet. I might go to Brickhouse with some guys. ” Okay well call me after. “Wanna smoke real quick?” No thanks, maybe later tonight. Hell yes I would love to smoke. Only I might pass out if I do. I’ve hardly eaten today. I don’t want to pass out though, because then you will know something is wrong, I will spill my guts out to you about my ED and then you will never talk to me again. Or you will tell someone and I will end up in an insane asylum. “You’re gonna fall asleep by the time I’m done.” No I won’t, I promise.

I talked to my friend Mike about spring break yesterday. We skyped for over 4 hours. It was crazy. I think we might just go to the Bahamas. Maybe Cancun. Or we might stay in the U.S. and just rent a lake or beach house out for the week. One problem. He’s a guy. He likes me. A lot. We’re friends.. but I have trust issues. Last time I stayed with a guy friend, he raped me. So honestly I don’t see this happening. Especially if it’s just the two of us. He’s a great guy, but things can go really wrong really fast. I feel bad saying that I would go, because originally I didn’t see a problem with it. But now I’m taking that back. He’s gonna be so sad. He keeps texting me about how excited he is. Sorry.
Intake:

B: Turkey Slices (28)
L: Tuna Salad (194)
D: Chicken stir-fry w/ broccoli and 1 slice of cheese (242)

Burned off: (191)
Net Cals: (464)
Net Carbs: 9.8

Stay Strong ~XX Sarah

One Nightmare Leads to the Next..

I just had a nightmare. I haven't had a nightmare in a super long time. So it was wierd. I don’t really remember what it was about, all I know is that I was scared. Really, really scared. I woke up balling. How the fuck does that work? I don’t get it. Whatever.

So I called my friend Hannah after I woke up from my nap (I just got up about half an hour ago) to see where she was. We were supposed to study for our math test together today. It’s tomorrow. Who answers her phone? My ex-best friend’s mom. The friend who told me “I am such a bitch and I use their family for money and I took advantage of their family by trying to throw a party at my house while my parents were out of town”. If someone understands how that had anything to do with taking advantage of her or her family, please do let me know. Her family still loves me. I think. I talked to her mom for about five minutes about work and college and what not. It was pretty cool. I miss her family. I spent more time at their house last year then at my own. Anyways, Hannah tells me she’ll call me when she gets home. Then she texts me asking if it was awkward talking to my old best friends mom. I tell her no. I tell her what WAS awkward is to find out I’m the back up. Again. Even though we had it set in stone to work on math today. I guess I’m really not good enough to be anyone’s friend. I’m just to caring, too down to earth, and too fucking fat. Right. Well there’s something wrong with me god damn it. Whatever. Fuck Hannah. Bitch.

A minute after I get off the phone, the doorbell rings. Who the fuck is that. Daddy Dearest yells, "Sarah!! Pizza’s here!!" excuse me? Did I order pizza? Did I order carbs on top of more carbs on top of grease and fat and even more carbs? No I did not. Maybe I called the pizza guy in my sleep. Maybe that’s why I woke up crying. I yell back, “I’m not hungry”.

I haven’t weighed in yet. I feel to fucking fat. I guess I’m losing something though. I’ve had 2 people comment on my weight loss so far. And if they can see it and I can’t, even though I analyze my body wayyy too much, then there’s a problem. I am fat. I will always be fat because I don’t deserve to be skinny.

Intake Yesterday:

B: Omelet (164)
L: Nothing
D: Salad (300)
Cals burned off: 533
Net Cals: -69
Net Carbs: 13

Intake Today:

B: Omelet (220)
L: Chicken & Broccoli (131)
D: Tuna Salad? Idk yet. (136)
Might have a slice of low-fat American cheese (45) if I want. A treat for not having pizza.
Cals burned off: 57
Net Cals: 430
Net Carbs: 11

RAWR :]

My dad got a brand new car? Nice to know we’ve got the money to throw around Daddy Dearest. Shopping spree anyone? I’d say so!

I’m sitting here sippin on my AMAZING green tea. God, I don’t know what I’d do without this stuff. Absolutely amazing. I’m debating whether I should call Eddie or not. Hmmmm.

I should be doing my homework. But I’m not. I don’t want to. Haha fuck school. I only went half the day today. I hate it.

I think I’m going to weigh in tomorrow. Hopefully I’m at 155. I know my weight’s been fluctuating a lot the last few weeks. I need to start weighing myself again. It’s the only way I can really track my progress. Or I guess I could do measurements? Idk, that takes longer than just stepping on the scale in my room. Then again this scale is just a piece of shit. BUT I can always go to my mom’s bathroom and use her digital scale. That’s pretty reliable.

Ok, so I over estimated my intake for the day..
B: was only one egg, little chicken, and 2 pieces of broccoli (140)
L: Tuna (100) & Light Sour Cream (20) & Lettuce (16)…(136)
D: Trout (162) & Broccoli (62) & Carrots (7)

Total Net Carbs… 14.4 (510)

Love you all! ~ XX Sarah

New Header (:

Check it out. I look gap toothed, I'm not I swear, it was just the lighting I guess.. I'll take better pics soon.

So I’m on the phone with Eddie. He makes me so happy. I’m all smiles right now. And before he called me I was in a very bad mood. I was thinking about cutting a lot today. Suicidal thoughts, the whole kit and caboodle (spl?). Honestly if I wasn’t doing so well restricting my cals and carbs I probably would’ve done something. Control is the only thing keeping me going right now. I have bruises on the back of my arms from when Daddy Dearest grabbed me. I told Eddie this. This is the first time I’ve ever told anyone about anything personal. I told him about the whole fight. He didn’t really say anything about it; then again what’s he supposed to say. I’m just glad he was there to listen. He told me how he has really strong feelings for me, even though he has a girlfriend. The fact that I’m only 17 really gets to him though. He’s 22. But he’s such a sweet guy. Sometimes I wish we were together. I don’t think it would work though. He’s been with two of my best friends (they’re 21) and idk it would just be weird. Anyways he makes me happy. (:


I stuck to the plan today with the food and all. Work was alright. I burned about 400 cals which is good. T wasn’t a complete ass either. Just a partial ass.

What DID piss me off today was that my brother took my laptop up to St. Louis Bread Co. (Panera for you guys not in the STL.. idk why it’s called that.. maybe it was made here?) and HELLO…?! ALL of my ED stuff is on here. Half of your blogs are on my favorites tabs, mine included. It could have been hell had he gone on my account rather than the guest one. I found out he was on it because a friend of mine saw him at Bread Co with it.. and she texted me. My brother’s gonna get an earful and a half tomorrow.

Tomorrows Plan:

B: Same as today (296)

L: Tuna w/ light sour cream and lettuce (225)

D: Chicken and Broccoli (168)

Total of (689) 15 net carbs.

Winter Girls

I read Winter Girls yesterday. Thanks to Lou who somehow found the whole copy online?! THANK YOU, it was one of the best reads so far! I stayed up until about 3 AM just so I could finish it. Hence the reason why I didn’t post last night, didn’t do my homework, and didn’t work out! :( Also the reason I am posting now.. while I should be in school. I told my dad I had a headache.. I mean there’s nothing he can really do. He can’t force me to go to school. He said he wouldn’t call me out and excuse my absence. But he will. I have to drive him to Westport today, which is about 45 minutes away from my cozy warm bed. So I’ll be sure of it that he calls me out. Even if he doesn’t, that’s what I have so many older friends for who can pull of a mom voice just wonderfully.


Yesterday my intake ended up at (589) with only 11 net carbs!! Almost half of what I was aiming for!! (: still.. the cals were a bit higher then I wanted, but I’m really just trying for the carb intake. Dr. Atkins has given me some promising result expectations, so they better hold up.

Today’s Intake is already planned out:

B: Egg Omelet with green beans, onions, broccoli, and chicken (296)
L: Tea w/ Splenda, Water (0)
D: Subway Steak Salad (240)

Net Carbs?... 18!

Hope your day goes well loves!

~XX SARAH

Thinspo of the day: Nicky Hilton

Daddy Dearest.

Sorry I didn’t post last night. It was a pretty bad night. I’ve been trying to have as little carbs as possible idk if you’ve noticed that or not. But basically I had a mini carb binge yesterday.. Fml. I had some pizza and like a cup of cereal. I felt disgusting and wouldn’t let myself tell you guys because I was too embarrassed. I didn’t let myself go to my friend’s party either. I don’t need the extra cals from alcohol anyways. Today I’m back on track though. Thankfully, because usually I can binge for days, weeks, months recently. But I think I’ve FINALLY got the right mind set back. I know what I want and I know what I need to do to get there. Thank the lord!

Today I got in a fight with my dad. It all started from something small. I’m pretty sure he was telling me the chores I needed to do this weekend – Which are the same every. Single. Weekend. – so I got mad and told him I know and to leave me alone. Then we started bickering. Then yelling. Then screaming at each other. He grabbed my arms and pushed me against the garage door. I managed to get away to my room and I tried to close the door, terrified of what might happen. I called him an ass hole and told him to never touch me again. He told me to move out. This is the second time he’s told me to do this. Once when I was 15? And I actually left for a few weeks. I’m not leaving this time though. Why would i? I’m never home anyways I’m always at work or school or just sleeping at home so it would be pointless to get my own place.

Intake so far: 2 eggs, some green peppers and onions and a little ground beef: net carbs (carbs minus fiber) about 2.5 calories about 300. I also had that dieters tea I talked about earlier. And some green raspberry tea. Yum. That's pretty much all I plan on eating today. Mabey something small later. Idk.

Well I have to go to that Kelsey girl’s house at noon. And I plan on working out later because of last night’s fuck up. I’ll post later most likely.

Stay strong.

XX Sarah