One Nightmare Leads to the Next..

I just had a nightmare. I haven't had a nightmare in a super long time. So it was wierd. I don’t really remember what it was about, all I know is that I was scared. Really, really scared. I woke up balling. How the fuck does that work? I don’t get it. Whatever.

So I called my friend Hannah after I woke up from my nap (I just got up about half an hour ago) to see where she was. We were supposed to study for our math test together today. It’s tomorrow. Who answers her phone? My ex-best friend’s mom. The friend who told me “I am such a bitch and I use their family for money and I took advantage of their family by trying to throw a party at my house while my parents were out of town”. If someone understands how that had anything to do with taking advantage of her or her family, please do let me know. Her family still loves me. I think. I talked to her mom for about five minutes about work and college and what not. It was pretty cool. I miss her family. I spent more time at their house last year then at my own. Anyways, Hannah tells me she’ll call me when she gets home. Then she texts me asking if it was awkward talking to my old best friends mom. I tell her no. I tell her what WAS awkward is to find out I’m the back up. Again. Even though we had it set in stone to work on math today. I guess I’m really not good enough to be anyone’s friend. I’m just to caring, too down to earth, and too fucking fat. Right. Well there’s something wrong with me god damn it. Whatever. Fuck Hannah. Bitch.

A minute after I get off the phone, the doorbell rings. Who the fuck is that. Daddy Dearest yells, "Sarah!! Pizza’s here!!" excuse me? Did I order pizza? Did I order carbs on top of more carbs on top of grease and fat and even more carbs? No I did not. Maybe I called the pizza guy in my sleep. Maybe that’s why I woke up crying. I yell back, “I’m not hungry”.

I haven’t weighed in yet. I feel to fucking fat. I guess I’m losing something though. I’ve had 2 people comment on my weight loss so far. And if they can see it and I can’t, even though I analyze my body wayyy too much, then there’s a problem. I am fat. I will always be fat because I don’t deserve to be skinny.

Intake Yesterday:

B: Omelet (164)
L: Nothing
D: Salad (300)
Cals burned off: 533
Net Cals: -69
Net Carbs: 13

Intake Today:

B: Omelet (220)
L: Chicken & Broccoli (131)
D: Tuna Salad? Idk yet. (136)
Might have a slice of low-fat American cheese (45) if I want. A treat for not having pizza.
Cals burned off: 57
Net Cals: 430
Net Carbs: 11