HELP!

So I don’t want to do this low carb thing anymore. It was nice while it lasted but my body has had enough! I just had a ton or carbs. It wasn’t a binge or anything. Well I had about 500 cals for dinner. Which is usually what I have all day. But I had to eat with the family, and I didn’t want them to think anything’s wrong with me. Anyways I’ve been doing so well I deserve to indulge a bit. I don’t know if ya’ll know this. But I LOVE food. I’ve C & S about 1,200 calories of cookies and chocolate in the last 12 hours. Which is a bit of a problem. But I hate purging. I’d rather just spit.

ANYWAYS. What diet should I start? I’m thinking ABC with my Ana Buddy? She starts tomorrow. What do you guys think?! Thankssss.

XoXo Sarah

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So I decided I’m going to continue my modified Atkins diet program. At least through Saturday. It’s just easy to stick to and it’s easy for me to plan meals. Wednesday I’ll fast. Thursday I’ll most likely pig out. Friday I’ll fast and everything should go fine. If I can’t fast those days, I plan on keeping it under 150 cals, with minimal carbs. Probably some lean turkey or chicken with lettuce and vinegar. I’ll probably keep it like that until all of our leftover turkey is gone actually. Idk. We’ll see how things unfold.

An hour or so after eating dinner I decided I’d let myself have a few pretzels. Within seconds of opening the bag Daddy Dearest says, “What.. did you not have enough for dinner or something?!” ok, asshole. I. Am. Hungry. Fuck. Off. K bye.

My [pretty bad] intake of the day:

B: Broccoli (62)
L: Buffalo Chicken Salad (141)
D: Whole Wheat Pasta, Salmon, Corn, Sweet Potato, Mozzarella & 5 Pretzels (686)

Burned Off: 209
Net Carbs: 95 =/

Two Weeks

Hey all!!

As of tonight, I have successfully finished 2 weeks of my modified Atkins diet.  I lost just about 13 pounds! I kept it under or close to 500 cals a day, with no more than 20 net carbs. It worked really well. I felt faint at some points in time, but I would defiantly recommend it to all of you out there trying to shed those extra few pounds!

Today is going well so far. I hope it stays that way. Yesterday I kept thinking about binging. It was a huge problem. So I was snacking throughout the day, more than I would have like to, but my intake still wasn’t that high. I weighed in today at 148.5 so I lost another pound. My friend Heather is in town from college for thanksgiving break so hopefully I get so see her in the next few days.

Next week I only work two days, which will be nice. And I might not even have to work one of them. I asked off for Thursday (thanksgiving), Friday, and Saturday and said I’m going to be out of town. This is partially true, if I end up going with Hannah to her family’s thanksgiving in Arnold. We’ll see though.

Speaking of work. Long story short there’s this really old guy who keeps creeping on me at work. He does weird stuff, for example he tried to set me up with a 30 year old that was in line next to me. He told him that he should get my number and take me on a date because if he was that young, he would do that. I’m literally so scared of him now that I start to shake when he comes in. so I have to go in the back and try not to hyperventilate. I’m buying pepper spray with Hannah this weekend. If he continues to make me uncomfortable I’m going to ask the store owner to forbid him from coming in anymore. I shouldn’t feel uncomfortable at work. I shouldn’t be scared.

Also, today between 4 and 8 we sold over 250 sandwiches. Just me and one other guy. It was so busy that it wasn’t even funny. We got out like 45 minutes later than we usually do and I was in such a bad mood! I called Mike and had him cheer me up while I was cleaning and stocking the lobby. He told me about this funny dream he had just had. (I woke him up by calling him, but thankfully he answered!) I’m about to Skype with him now. We’ve been Skyping a lot lately. I kinda like it.. it’s keeping me home and out of the party scene. He must think I’m a loser for staying home talking to him on Friday and Saturday nights though. Oh well. He loves me.

I realized today thank I’m 12.5 pounds away from what my normal goal weight used to be. Before I was obsessed with all of this nonsense. I don’t think I would be happy with my body at 135. I mean I wasn’t when I was there like 6 months ago. So I doubt I will be now.

Yesterday my friend Stephanie, whom I haven’t spoken to in a very long time, came to my house and installed Premiere Pro (an amazing video editing software) on my laptop. She pretty much saved my F in multimedia now, since I haven’t been to the class in oh… about 3 weeks haha. But now I can go to school, get my assignments, and do them at home. And since I’ll have a pretty slow thanksgiving break, I will have a lot of time to do so.

I need to start taking vitamins again. I’m gonna go compile a bunch and sort them into one of those containers that says SMTWTFS on it for all the days. I’ll leave it on my headboard so I don’t forget to take them!

Daddy Dearest is going shopping right now. This is what I asked for: Lettuce, Broccoli, Gum, tea, more tea, and more Gum. Today he complimented me on how healthy I’ve been eating lately. Thanks Daddy Dearest, it’s good to know you think starving myself is healthy. Haha whatevs, as long as he sees me eating every once in a while, he won’t think anything’s out of the ordinary.

I’ve been chewing and spitting a lot lately. I did three cookies today. Skittles, Reese’s, and M&Ms yesterday. A Twix bar the day before I think. I’ve just been craving sweets like crazy I guess. Love the taste, not the cals, fat, or carb content.

Intake Today:
B: Chicken Salad (201)
L: None (0)
D: Chicken Salad (261)

Cals burned off: (*622)
Net Carbs: 18.4 g
*Yay I burned off about 100 more than I ate (:
Intake Yesterday:
B: Chicken Salad (189)
L: Chicken (189)
D: Steak Salad (278)
Cals burned off: (481)
Net Carbs: 16.7 g

Intake Day Before:

B: Chicken Stir Fry (195)
L: Tuna Salad (169)
D: Tuna Salad (169)

Cals burned off: (0)
Net Carbs: 19.9 g
Hope you all are doing FANTASTIC!
Keep it real. Sarah.

Passed: GW 1

Last night, sleep deprived, I went to bed at 7 to take an hour or two nap. My mom wakes me up this morning. I’ve done no homework, haven’t studied for my tests, and didn’t wake up early enough to go in early and work on that multimedia class I’m so far behind in. on top of this, I started my period and totally ruined the new pair of gray leggings I bought hours before. Ugh. Typical life.

So I weighed in since my mom left for work and Daddy Dearest ismout of town. 149.5 which crosses of my first GW. So I guess that’s good. I don’t expect to see the number come down for a while because of my period. I slept in until 11AM and made some stir fry (173) and some tea. I just hopped on here to update you guys cause I haven’t in a day or two, so basically I have a lot of school to catch up on, and need to start going to class.

Oh! Almost forgot! I went shopping yesterday and dragged my little brother along. Even though he was a pain in the ass most of the time, it was kind of fun. I bought: a hoodie, Mizzou sweatpants, a jacket, a sweater/dress thing that can be worn as both, 2 bras, 12 socks, a cardigan, a ¾ sleeved sweater, a belt, a scarf, and a purse! (: then my brother picked out a tie, a jacket, and shirt. He kept complaining about how hungry he was and he wanted McDonalds so I took him to the drive through ordered two waters, a McDouble Meal (620) with a Coke, and another McDouble (390). Don’t freak. Only the 2 waters were for me (:

Intake Yesterday:

B: Tomato Slices (8)
L: Stir Fry & Salad (249)
D: Smoked Salmon (240)

Cals burned off: (344)
Net Carbs: 12 g

Intake Day before:

B: Chicken & Green Beans (151)
L: Tuna Salad (139)
D: Steak Salad (258)

Cals burned off: (434)
Net Carbs: 17.2 g

Gobble Gobble.

Today I got to school at third hour. I couldn’t get out of bed because I stayed up so late last night. As I mentioned previously, Daddy Dearest is in Chicago, so my mom tried to get me out of bed. Words or profanity and insults flew in one ear and out the other. I’m getting good at not taking what she says to heart. She calls my dad and tells him “I’m not calling her out of school” at least 10 times. Even though we both know she will. Because she has to. Her words fade as I fall back asleep. I wake up a few hours later to a vacuum cleaner. She couldn’t give two shits about me. I had a missed call from my dad. And a voicemail, “Sarah this is dad I know you’re sad when I’m gone on a trip, but uh that you’re so depressed that you have to stay home you know that’s going a little bit overboard. Anyways give me a call there seems to be a problem here and uh we can talk about it. So I’m all ears until about quarter after 10 then I have to work then we can talk this evening otherwise. I love you. Bye.” Whatever. I don’t call back or even text. My mom calls me into school and I get there half way through my Orchestra class. Just in time to not have to take the playing test I totally forgot about.


Every time I get stand up from my desk at school things get fuzzy. I feel tingling all over. I see spots and stars. I love this. I fucking love this feeling better than anything in the world. I’m high off life, and that’s cool. I know this means I need to drink or eat. I drink like a fish though. Tea, water, Coke Zero, coffee. That’s what keeps me going. I know I need to eat more. But I don’t want to. I thought about binging today for the first time in over a week. It didn’t take long for me to decide against it.

Advice please? Hannah invited me to her family thanksgiving. She said they eat a lot and they play football too. I would have so much fun going, plus her cousins are super-hot. Except I’m nervous about the food. And the football. I’m really weak lately so football is going to be tough. I don’t want to eat a lot and even though Hannah knows I’m on a diet, she’s going to expect me to eat a ton. It would be rude not to. I hate the holidays. They all revolve around food. Ugh. So the question is… do I stay at home and control what I eat (probably just turkey) or do I go with Hannah and her family and have a ton of fun yet have to eat a lot?

I can tell I’m losing weight now. The spring boards are starting to poke at my hip bones and my butt bones. I missed this because it means I’m not obese. Eventually I will start to bruise from my bed like u used to. My knees will start to bruise each other from lying on my side because they are so boney. My lips will turn blue like they once were. And my nails (which are always painted for this reason) will have a strong blue tinge to them. Skinny here I come.

Today’s Intake:
B: Chicken Stir-fry (137)
L: Chicken Stir-fry (127)
D: Steak Salad (205)
Burned off: (434)
Net Cals: (35)
Net Carbs: 14.5

Breathing.

Breath in. Breath out. Breath in. Breath out. When did breathing become a conscious thing? Keep breathing. Ok. Sorry for that last post. I’m not usually like that. It just seems like everything keeps going wrong. People always promise me “things will get better” yet they always seem to keep plummeting from my all-time low.

Last night was just shitty. I felt gross. I can’t really explain it, I was just so mad. Every little thing was adding up. Like the fact that I’ve been trying to go shopping for the last month for the stuff I need want but haven’t had time to do. I come home from work and there are shopping bags everywhere. Alteast 20 bags full of clothes and shoes and stuff for the kitchen. I think it’s funny that I used to steal stuff all the time, yet apparently we have enough money to get new cars and go shopping for now reason. Then again I didn’t steal because we couldn’t afford what I wanted. I did it for the thrill. To know I could still get the adrenaline rush. To know that I was alive. The free merchandise was a plus too. Why pay when you can just take? Well that drove me in a shithole. Can’t go to Wal-Mart for two years. Haha literally, if I get caught in a Wal-Mart I will be violating my probation and will get in a heap load of trouble. I’m sidetracking. Back to the topic. I get home, bags everywhere, I make a comment about it and I get an earful. Fuck off. I hate my family. It ended up being an ok night because Hannah and I went over to her friend Alex’s house and we watched Grown Ups. Pretty funny movie. After we went on drive till three in the morning. It was a lot of fun, and I’m pretty sure we were in just about every surrounding city in St. Louis. Daddy Dearest texted me at 12:30AM telling me not to come home so late, like 2:30AM or something like that. I got home at 3:30AM. Did he say anything to me about this the next morning? Of course not.

I crawled in bed, set my alarm on my almost dead phone for work the next morning and fell asleep. I woke up this morning to my alarm. *hits snooze* just 10 more minutes. I wake up 45 minutes later. It’s 9:51 and I was supposed to leave for work 6 minutes ago. I throw on a dirty work outfit, grab my work purse (yes I have a purse just for work.. it smells like Subway) and speed to work. The owner’s boss tells me I’m late. Not sure if he’s kidding about me being 5 minutes late to work or not I respond, “Yeah.. I know that. I’m really sorry”. I get in the back and the owner chews me out. I was supposed to be at work at 9AM not 10AM. Fuck. I apologize about a thousand times, promising her it will never happen again. It was a sincere mistake. Plus it was the first time in 6 months I’ve ever been late. I do morning prep in a hurry. I cut my finger. Fuck. I get prep done in 45 minutes. It usually takes about 2 hours. About two hours pass and I’m up on the line making sandwiches for customers. As I pass along a foot long sub with about 400 grams of carbs on it, the toaster oven goes off. I turn to get the sandwich and a sharp pain runs through my right leg. My coworker just slammed the fridge door on my leg. I’m bleeding. Fuck. I clean it off and slap a band aide on it. I look like an idiot with all these band aides on me now. Oh well.

I get home. There’re more bags. My family went shopping. Again. I don’t comment about it this time. I just make my lunch and go straight to my room. I call Hannah. We are supposed to go shopping after her and her mom get back from shopping. A few hours roll by. Hannah texts me asking if her mom should just drop her off at my house. I say no because I have homework to do now and that we will just go shopping later this week. I look at myself in the mirror. I look gross. Full stomach, greasy hair, runny makeup. While I’m in the shower Hannah calls. She said she’s coming over in half an hour to do English homework. I tell her okay. We just mess around online, watch Glozell on YouTube, then go to Alex’s to watch Dexter. Then I got home and made myself something to eat. My mom yells from the other room not to eat all or her lettuce. Ok. I put the lettuce away after eating one leaf. Shouldn’t she be happy I’m eating at all? I shouldn’t eat her lettuce? Who made it her lettuce anyways? My dad’s the one who bought it. Bitch. I make a stir fry which I know had too many calories. And then go to my room to write this German essay that was due 2 Mondays ago. I find myself checking my blog, and I know I need to post. So here it is. Sorry for the novel. Weigh-in tomorrow if no one’s home in the morning. My dad’s going to Chicago early tomorrow morning, again, so hopefully he leaves before I wake up. Does anyone else find it weird that my dad travels to Chicago a few times a month? It’s like 7 hours away.. I mean I know the company headquarters that he consults for is up there, but that’s why God made telephones. And Skype. Sometimes I just want my dad to hug me and tell me everything will be okay. Sometimes I want to know I’m more important than his work. As the months go by and he gets more and more wrapped up in his work, my childhood seems to be replaying itself. Dad gone for “business”. Mom at work. Mom taking care of little brother. Sarah has to grow up. Much, much too soon.

Yesterday’s Intake:

B: Turkey Omelet thing (156)
L: Steak Salad (319)
D: None (0)

Burned off: (543)
Net Cals: (-68)
Net Carbs: 19

Today’s Intake:

B: Steak stir-fry (268)
L: None (0)
D: Pork stir-fry (219)

Burned off: (271)
Net Cals: (216)
Net Carbs: 12.8

So now I have to decide if I want to write that German Essay, or read your blogs. Guess which one I'm going to pick.

rdativoanudrjtr

ASDFGHJKL;LDSKFBSL DIFEVW IOFRNH AC


I AM IN SUCH A BAD FUCKING MOOD RIGHT NOW. FUCK LIFE.

I SHOULD BE IN A GOOD ONE. I WEIGHED IN AT 152 THIS MORNING.

FUCK IT.
I’LL POST LATER.

Pizza Anyone?

Oh how I’d love to have pizza. Not just one slice. The entire pizza. As you know. Daddy Dearest got pizza last night. It was so tempting. But I didn’t give in. today I had something for orchestra (which is why I couldn’t attend S's very cool tea party.. sorry) where basically we performed for the math department at our school. About 60 people. They gave us pizza as a thank you. “Sarah, why aren’t you eating?” Oh I already ate. I’ll just have some diet coke. Thanks though. “Ok, if you’re sure..” yep. Oh how I wanted that pizza so bad. I gave my friend Tony my pizza. He was high. He had at least 10 pieces. No joke. That’s more calories than I’ve had all week…

Driving home from the concert I was pulling into my neighborhood. I hear two honks. I look over. It’s Eddie. I get out of the turning lane and follow him. He has to drop off some money then he will call me. I hate it that he deals. He calls me shortly after. “What are you doing?” I’m at home. What are you doing? “Not sure yet. I might go to Brickhouse with some guys. ” Okay well call me after. “Wanna smoke real quick?” No thanks, maybe later tonight. Hell yes I would love to smoke. Only I might pass out if I do. I’ve hardly eaten today. I don’t want to pass out though, because then you will know something is wrong, I will spill my guts out to you about my ED and then you will never talk to me again. Or you will tell someone and I will end up in an insane asylum. “You’re gonna fall asleep by the time I’m done.” No I won’t, I promise.

I talked to my friend Mike about spring break yesterday. We skyped for over 4 hours. It was crazy. I think we might just go to the Bahamas. Maybe Cancun. Or we might stay in the U.S. and just rent a lake or beach house out for the week. One problem. He’s a guy. He likes me. A lot. We’re friends.. but I have trust issues. Last time I stayed with a guy friend, he raped me. So honestly I don’t see this happening. Especially if it’s just the two of us. He’s a great guy, but things can go really wrong really fast. I feel bad saying that I would go, because originally I didn’t see a problem with it. But now I’m taking that back. He’s gonna be so sad. He keeps texting me about how excited he is. Sorry.
Intake:

B: Turkey Slices (28)
L: Tuna Salad (194)
D: Chicken stir-fry w/ broccoli and 1 slice of cheese (242)

Burned off: (191)
Net Cals: (464)
Net Carbs: 9.8

Stay Strong ~XX Sarah

One Nightmare Leads to the Next..

I just had a nightmare. I haven't had a nightmare in a super long time. So it was wierd. I don’t really remember what it was about, all I know is that I was scared. Really, really scared. I woke up balling. How the fuck does that work? I don’t get it. Whatever.

So I called my friend Hannah after I woke up from my nap (I just got up about half an hour ago) to see where she was. We were supposed to study for our math test together today. It’s tomorrow. Who answers her phone? My ex-best friend’s mom. The friend who told me “I am such a bitch and I use their family for money and I took advantage of their family by trying to throw a party at my house while my parents were out of town”. If someone understands how that had anything to do with taking advantage of her or her family, please do let me know. Her family still loves me. I think. I talked to her mom for about five minutes about work and college and what not. It was pretty cool. I miss her family. I spent more time at their house last year then at my own. Anyways, Hannah tells me she’ll call me when she gets home. Then she texts me asking if it was awkward talking to my old best friends mom. I tell her no. I tell her what WAS awkward is to find out I’m the back up. Again. Even though we had it set in stone to work on math today. I guess I’m really not good enough to be anyone’s friend. I’m just to caring, too down to earth, and too fucking fat. Right. Well there’s something wrong with me god damn it. Whatever. Fuck Hannah. Bitch.

A minute after I get off the phone, the doorbell rings. Who the fuck is that. Daddy Dearest yells, "Sarah!! Pizza’s here!!" excuse me? Did I order pizza? Did I order carbs on top of more carbs on top of grease and fat and even more carbs? No I did not. Maybe I called the pizza guy in my sleep. Maybe that’s why I woke up crying. I yell back, “I’m not hungry”.

I haven’t weighed in yet. I feel to fucking fat. I guess I’m losing something though. I’ve had 2 people comment on my weight loss so far. And if they can see it and I can’t, even though I analyze my body wayyy too much, then there’s a problem. I am fat. I will always be fat because I don’t deserve to be skinny.

Intake Yesterday:

B: Omelet (164)
L: Nothing
D: Salad (300)
Cals burned off: 533
Net Cals: -69
Net Carbs: 13

Intake Today:

B: Omelet (220)
L: Chicken & Broccoli (131)
D: Tuna Salad? Idk yet. (136)
Might have a slice of low-fat American cheese (45) if I want. A treat for not having pizza.
Cals burned off: 57
Net Cals: 430
Net Carbs: 11

RAWR :]

My dad got a brand new car? Nice to know we’ve got the money to throw around Daddy Dearest. Shopping spree anyone? I’d say so!

I’m sitting here sippin on my AMAZING green tea. God, I don’t know what I’d do without this stuff. Absolutely amazing. I’m debating whether I should call Eddie or not. Hmmmm.

I should be doing my homework. But I’m not. I don’t want to. Haha fuck school. I only went half the day today. I hate it.

I think I’m going to weigh in tomorrow. Hopefully I’m at 155. I know my weight’s been fluctuating a lot the last few weeks. I need to start weighing myself again. It’s the only way I can really track my progress. Or I guess I could do measurements? Idk, that takes longer than just stepping on the scale in my room. Then again this scale is just a piece of shit. BUT I can always go to my mom’s bathroom and use her digital scale. That’s pretty reliable.

Ok, so I over estimated my intake for the day..
B: was only one egg, little chicken, and 2 pieces of broccoli (140)
L: Tuna (100) & Light Sour Cream (20) & Lettuce (16)…(136)
D: Trout (162) & Broccoli (62) & Carrots (7)

Total Net Carbs… 14.4 (510)

Love you all! ~ XX Sarah

New Header (:

Check it out. I look gap toothed, I'm not I swear, it was just the lighting I guess.. I'll take better pics soon.

So I’m on the phone with Eddie. He makes me so happy. I’m all smiles right now. And before he called me I was in a very bad mood. I was thinking about cutting a lot today. Suicidal thoughts, the whole kit and caboodle (spl?). Honestly if I wasn’t doing so well restricting my cals and carbs I probably would’ve done something. Control is the only thing keeping me going right now. I have bruises on the back of my arms from when Daddy Dearest grabbed me. I told Eddie this. This is the first time I’ve ever told anyone about anything personal. I told him about the whole fight. He didn’t really say anything about it; then again what’s he supposed to say. I’m just glad he was there to listen. He told me how he has really strong feelings for me, even though he has a girlfriend. The fact that I’m only 17 really gets to him though. He’s 22. But he’s such a sweet guy. Sometimes I wish we were together. I don’t think it would work though. He’s been with two of my best friends (they’re 21) and idk it would just be weird. Anyways he makes me happy. (:


I stuck to the plan today with the food and all. Work was alright. I burned about 400 cals which is good. T wasn’t a complete ass either. Just a partial ass.

What DID piss me off today was that my brother took my laptop up to St. Louis Bread Co. (Panera for you guys not in the STL.. idk why it’s called that.. maybe it was made here?) and HELLO…?! ALL of my ED stuff is on here. Half of your blogs are on my favorites tabs, mine included. It could have been hell had he gone on my account rather than the guest one. I found out he was on it because a friend of mine saw him at Bread Co with it.. and she texted me. My brother’s gonna get an earful and a half tomorrow.

Tomorrows Plan:

B: Same as today (296)

L: Tuna w/ light sour cream and lettuce (225)

D: Chicken and Broccoli (168)

Total of (689) 15 net carbs.

Winter Girls

I read Winter Girls yesterday. Thanks to Lou who somehow found the whole copy online?! THANK YOU, it was one of the best reads so far! I stayed up until about 3 AM just so I could finish it. Hence the reason why I didn’t post last night, didn’t do my homework, and didn’t work out! :( Also the reason I am posting now.. while I should be in school. I told my dad I had a headache.. I mean there’s nothing he can really do. He can’t force me to go to school. He said he wouldn’t call me out and excuse my absence. But he will. I have to drive him to Westport today, which is about 45 minutes away from my cozy warm bed. So I’ll be sure of it that he calls me out. Even if he doesn’t, that’s what I have so many older friends for who can pull of a mom voice just wonderfully.


Yesterday my intake ended up at (589) with only 11 net carbs!! Almost half of what I was aiming for!! (: still.. the cals were a bit higher then I wanted, but I’m really just trying for the carb intake. Dr. Atkins has given me some promising result expectations, so they better hold up.

Today’s Intake is already planned out:

B: Egg Omelet with green beans, onions, broccoli, and chicken (296)
L: Tea w/ Splenda, Water (0)
D: Subway Steak Salad (240)

Net Carbs?... 18!

Hope your day goes well loves!

~XX SARAH

Thinspo of the day: Nicky Hilton

Daddy Dearest.

Sorry I didn’t post last night. It was a pretty bad night. I’ve been trying to have as little carbs as possible idk if you’ve noticed that or not. But basically I had a mini carb binge yesterday.. Fml. I had some pizza and like a cup of cereal. I felt disgusting and wouldn’t let myself tell you guys because I was too embarrassed. I didn’t let myself go to my friend’s party either. I don’t need the extra cals from alcohol anyways. Today I’m back on track though. Thankfully, because usually I can binge for days, weeks, months recently. But I think I’ve FINALLY got the right mind set back. I know what I want and I know what I need to do to get there. Thank the lord!

Today I got in a fight with my dad. It all started from something small. I’m pretty sure he was telling me the chores I needed to do this weekend – Which are the same every. Single. Weekend. – so I got mad and told him I know and to leave me alone. Then we started bickering. Then yelling. Then screaming at each other. He grabbed my arms and pushed me against the garage door. I managed to get away to my room and I tried to close the door, terrified of what might happen. I called him an ass hole and told him to never touch me again. He told me to move out. This is the second time he’s told me to do this. Once when I was 15? And I actually left for a few weeks. I’m not leaving this time though. Why would i? I’m never home anyways I’m always at work or school or just sleeping at home so it would be pointless to get my own place.

Intake so far: 2 eggs, some green peppers and onions and a little ground beef: net carbs (carbs minus fiber) about 2.5 calories about 300. I also had that dieters tea I talked about earlier. And some green raspberry tea. Yum. That's pretty much all I plan on eating today. Mabey something small later. Idk.

Well I have to go to that Kelsey girl’s house at noon. And I plan on working out later because of last night’s fuck up. I’ll post later most likely.

Stay strong.

XX Sarah

Thank You (:

So I’m pretty sure I caught up on all of your blogs tonight. I try to comment on most of them because I know that I love reading your comments!

By the way, I’ve been meaning to thank all of those who follow me and especially those who comment on my posts. Words cannot explain how much your comments mean to me. I feel like you guys are the only ones that understand. You’re the only ones I can vent to, cry to, and share my joy with (: THANK YOU, THANK YOU, and THANK YOU.

I don’t think I’m severely depressed anymore, just sad. And I’ve come to the conclusion that when I restrict and control my food, it makes me happy. I feel good for accomplishing something. When I eat so much shit like I used to, I feel like shit! So basically fuck food!

Today went pretty well.. I was extremely lightheaded when I woke up this morning. Almost passed out. Nbd. Hannah, Fitz (that’s her nickname), and I ended up not going to the Lake of the Ozarks this weekend, honestly I’m kind of glad we didn’t either! I had so much fun at work today.. I’ll talk about that more in a sec. I woke up, showered and got ready and then went over to this girl named Kelsey’s house to work on our Rube Goldberg Project. We worked on it for 2 and  half hours and got everything all planned out and everything spray painted a really pretty aluminum silver color. After that I went to work which was so much fun because I worked with Nick and Marco, NOT T!! ((:

It was joyous.

Intake:

Eggs w/ Onions (163)

Salad (240)

Outtake (at work): 686

Net: -283

I might have a rice cake later if I get super hungry. Unlikely though, I’m not right now. But ill add another 35 cals just in case. So net cals of -248.

Thinspo of the day: Jaslene Gonzalez

Stay strong lovelies!!

XX Sarah

Yeah, Uhhuh You Know What It Is...

BLACK & YELLOW
I had a really shitty day today. I can’t stand working at Subway anymore, T is just SO fucking rude. And the fact that he’s the owners favorite worker doesn’t help at all, I can’t say anything about him. Today there was a piece of bread messed up that we couldn’t sell, but that we could eat. So my coworker wrote it off and asked if I wanted it. I said I would take it home and I put some veggies on it.. then T comes up and tells me “I’m stealing from the store and he would never do that and blah blah blah.” Umm hello? We do that all the time. It’s not stealing because I did it in plain sight and other employees do this shit all the time. Stop being such a douche and go jump in a hole and die. I really think I’m quitting. Seriously. I just need to find another job first so I’m not unemployed, that would be bad.


T actually gets under my skin so much that I was SO close to binging. I thought it through, looking at that big ass sandwich, and decided against it. Eating doesn’t make me happy. It only makes me feel guilty.

I work tomorrow from 3-close but I think I’m going to call in “sick”. I don’t care if they’re short people. Fuck that place. Now I normally wouldn’t do this, but H invited me to go to the Ozarks, so naturally I said I’d love to go!! (: good thing it’s not bikini season anymore, I look super gross.

Intake:

Salad (235)

Sandwich (150)

Rice cake (35)

Outtake: apparently I burned 400+ cals at work?

Some Nicole Richie Thinspo:

Just Gonna Stand There and Watch Me Burn......

Love that song. (:
So today I fasted successfully. (:


I’ve been thinking about doing the Atkins, where you eat pretty much no carbs and as many calories as you want. Well that’s just the induction phase. You’re supposed to lose 15+ lbs. in 2 weeks! That would be nice, I just really have to do all my research for it. There certain foods you absolutely cannot eat, and one you have to eat. It would take a lot of time to plan out, which is something I’m not sure I have. Plus you’re not supposed to drink on it… which also is a problem… idk. I can probably stop drinking for 2 or more weeks, that’s what weed’s for right? Haha

I talked to my dad about not going to Germany for winter break… I’m not sure if I’ll be able to get out of it, he says it will be the last time I’ll see my gma because apparently he thinks by the time I would go back at the beginning of summer, she will be dead? Idk. I don’t think I can put myself through another family vaca this year. It’s impossible to hide that I don’t eat around them. Then I just get into this HUGE BED like I’ve been in for the last 4 months because of that last fucking vacation. Fuck that. I feel like shit.

Hannah and I are becoming rather close again. I hate that we will be best friends for a week or two, and then we fade apart and don’t talk for a week or two. It’s annoying as hell. Especially since I know she’s hanging out with my ex best friend during those few weeks we don’t’ really hang out. You might be wondering why can’t she just balance both of us? Or why my ex best friend holds grudges like a motherfucker? Those questions I cannot give you answers to. I would like to know though. Lol

Intake: water and 2 cups coke zero.

Thinspo of the day:  Victoria Beckham