Day 0.

Starting a shitty diet again tomorrow. Not sure what yet, suggestions?

Let’s face the facts here.

1.       I’m lost.

2.       I have recently done some self-analyzing. The reason I shove my face with shit is because I don’t want to die. I think. The only thing stopping me from killing myself is the fact that I don’t want to die fat.

3.       Getting to my GW might make me happy, temporarily. But it will not make my life better.

4.        Guys are fucking douche bags.

5.       I’m going to fail my +AP Physics test on Friday.

6.       It was my brother’s birthday today. He also broke my computer. Happy birthday.

7.       My hair is greasy. I need to shower.

8.       I am going to be the fattest girl at these Halloween parties this weekend. Maybe I’ll just stay home.

9.       You sending me a text and saying, “Yo I should have told you this earlier but I have a gf that I don’t wanna fuck things up with we can still hang out and shit tho if thatz kool wit you?” is not something you tell me. Especially when I say okay that’s fine and then you reply, “I like you but I don’t wanna lead you on.. I guess that’s why I’m so skittish about hanging out bc I’m afraid I’m gonna try something” and act like it’s no big deal? You just told me you have a girlfriend. Before I told you I just wanted to be friends when I actually really like you. Now you are acting like I will be heartbroken. Get a fucking life. I have bigger problems.

10.   Sorry for that ^ RANT.

11.   I’m a pig.

Long Time No Post.

And I apologize for that. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy. Really I’ve just been trying to keep myself out of the house. Me and my parents haven’t had the best of relationships. We fight. A lot. I think it’s mostly because we just never see eye to eye. About anything.. ever. Our therapist we went to a few times thinks it’s because I put up a wall -- which I did – when I was younger and my parents were having marriage problems. But I personally just think it’s because we have nothing in common. I like to party, do anything artsy while on the other hand my mom never drinks and my dad is an engineer. You probably can see how we don’t really click.. we don’t exactly have similar interests?

Anyways. Enough about that. Let’s talk about music. Music is an escape for me. I can blast it from my PC – which might I add has AMAZING audio quality – and tune out my dad yelling. Like he has been all weekend. There’s always something he seems to be mad about lately. And I just try to stay as far as possible from him before I get myself into trouble. I like all kinds of music. I used to be a strictly rap and R&B girl, but I think I love every style of music now. Except heavy metal screamo stuff. Now I look at music as an art, a story with a meaning behind it. They’re quite amazing when you peel off layers of a song to find the true meaning. I love that.

Food. I’m not doing the ABC anymore. I don’t know how or why I stopped. I just did. I binged the next day. Then just restricted again. I’ve purged a few times but I’m trying not to let myself do that.. I hated being bulimic. I almost always cry when I throw up just because it’s SO gross. Sorry to all the consistent purgers out there, it’s just not for me. I’m not sure how much I weigh. I’m scared to see. It’s weird because I used to be so obsessed with weighing myself, now I’m not.

Boys. I hung out with E last night. We went on a smoke drive and then we just parked and talked for a while. A cop circled around our car a few times which scared the bloody hell out of me, and I’m pretty sure it scared him too! Oh, he finally admitted to me that he deals again. I just want him to be safe. I hope he doesn’t get caught again. He could end up in prison. He will end up in prison if he gets caught again actually. That scares me. I know he’s making a lot of money though because he’s selling his old – still very new – car this week. He wants a Jeep srt8 or a Trail Blazer SS. I personally think he should get the Jeep. I love Jeeps. It’s an expensive car though, I looked up the price and it’s like $40,000+!! Then again dealers make hella bank.

Homework. That’s what I’m about to do -- peace love and skinny yall!


Today I had:

1 Steak Salad w/ Dressing – 279 cals

2 Apples – 172 cals

1 Potato w/ Salsa & 1 Chocolate Rice Cake – 205

Banana Milkshake (homemade) - 167

Total: 823 :(

but I burned off 400! (:

Mood: optimistic.

Hunger Level: 0

Day 8.

^ me?! wtf.

FUCK THIS. I AM SO FRUSTRATED RIGHT NOW. I FEEL LIKE I HAVENT BEEN LOSING ANYTHING.


I went through my old pictures and HOLY FUCK. I used to be a SKINNY little SHIT. I can’t believe it. I never want to eat again. How is it that I try to have control.. Try to get myself to perfection.. and when was I so timid and fragile?! I don’t EVER remember being this skinny. I always thought I was a fat kid. FUCK FOOD. FUCK EVERYTHING. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Day 7.

Hi all!! I’m feeling much better today. So two nights ago I was extremely intoxicated. Haha I had a lot to drink, but surprisingly I didn’t puke at all (: Yesterday morning I woke up at 7:30 to drive home because I had an appointment with my lawyer at 8:15. I went back to bed when I got home because I was tired and didn’t feel well. My dad thought I didn’t want to go to the lawyer so he didn’t wake me up. But he came back with good news! I don’t have to go to court. My lawyer can just go for me. I like this even though I’m going to have to pay more. I’m scared of court.

One of my really close guy friends told me that he likes me a few days ago. We’ll call him J. J’s best friend, M, kissed on Friday night when I was drunk. I was at J’s apartment talking to M about it and J walked in the room. I’m sure he heard us talking about it. I could see the sadness in his eyes. I feel bad, but I don’t really like J anyways. He’s just a friend. M on the other hand, there could be something there (:

Today I worked a double at work. My feet hurt really bad. I just had an apple and a nonfat strawberry yogurt. Earlier I had a Veggie Salad. I come to a total of 275 calories today. I’m stuffed. I know that probably is ridiculous but I just had the apple and yogurt, and I guess my stomach has shrunk.

The ABC seems to be working out for me quite well. Better than I thought. I’ve been doing it for a week now. Maybe I’ll just do all 50 days? Idk.

One of my really close friends who is away at college, H, came back for the weekend. I saw her last night and she said it looks like I lost weight. I sure hope I did. I haven’t weighed myself in a while. I’m too scared I guess? Not sure. I probably will later this week though.

Feeling: Motivated!
Hunger level: 0!!

Hope you all are doing well!

~Sarah.

Day 3.

So today one of the regular customers at Subway asked me out for a date at Dave and Busters. He wanted to go Sunday but I work. So now he wants to go tomorrow? He gave me his number. I probably won’t text him one, because I broke my phone a few days ago and two because he’s got to be like 25 years old. Hello? I’m only 17. I know I don’t look like I’m 17, be he must know I am. I’m 100% sure we’ve talked about how I’m in high school. He has a real job.. Like a grown up job. Haha he works at Charter. Anyways, idk I just thought it was kinda weird. The oldest I’ve dated is 23. 25 -17 = 8.. that’s a no go. I think?


Tomorrow I have to meet with my lawyer because my court date is coming up. I have to go with my dad so it’s going to be super awkward.

I’m losing my tan. Random I know, but I need to get some fake tanner because tanning beds are way too fucking expensive now. Fuck Obama and his 10% tax increase. Have any good drugstore fake tanner suggestions?

Today I had:

1 Diet Pill – 0 cals

1 Chicken Salad – 140 cals

1 Tbsp. Dressing – 30 cals

1 Apple – 116 cals

Total: 286.

Mood: blah.

Hunger Level: 2

I thought I was going to fast, but I forgot again. I’ve been so out of it. Haha I’m fasting tomorrow for sure though, and this time I’ll remember because I don’t let myself drink if I eat. And I need some alc in my system. So since the ABC diet tells me I can only have 100 cals tomorrow I think I’m switching it with a day next week. So let’s say I drink 300 cals worth or alc, then I will trade the 100 cals with one of the 300+ days I was supposed to have the next week. Get it?

Day 2.

LiLo looking stunning.

Hello to all (:


Today was much better. I’m feeling pretty good. I was planning on fasting today… but I forgot. But it wasn’t too bad. I only had a chicken salad that was 140 cals. Oh, plus like 30 cals of fat free dressing? So it was a pretty good day if I might say so myself. I think I’m going to fast till Monday though. Not sure why, I just need to be cleansed. I’m sure I’ll be drinking this weekend though. Well not sure, but pretty sure. I’m obsessed with this drink I just discovered. FOUR LOCO. Ever heard of it? One gets me fucking wasted. Downside? Its 660 calories. F U C K. haha I can’t decide if that is going to be replacing my shots.. It’d easier and yummier then shots, but it’s like twice the cals I would consume than with shots. Maybe I’ll just stick to weed. Did you know they’re voting in like the next week in Cali if they’re gonna legalize weed or not? I think that’s crazy. Haha.. crazy awesome.

I haven’t really been going to school lately. Not sure if I’ve told you all that yet or not. But basically I was too depressed to go. But today I only missed like the first 3 hours. I need to start going again. I’m getting so behind. Especially in my multimedia and honors physics class. Blah.

I smell like subway. I hope I don’t smell like Subway all the time. I’m afraid I’ll get adapted to the smell and won’t be able to tell if I smell like it or not! That would be so embarrassing hanging out with friends and smelling like subway. I don’t want to shower now. So I will in the morning, but for now I reek.

Last thing. My pretty close guy friend just told me he likes me? Uhhhh.. awkward.I totally thought the sex truth or dare app that he showed me on his phone was a joke. I guess not? SUPER weird.

Feeling: Uncertain
Hunger level: 1

ABC Day 1.

So I’m doing the ABC with a friend. Well a texting buddy that I’ve had for a while. So I consider her a friend. *shout out to tay!!* I’m not sure how long I’ll stick to it, or if I even really like the diet, but it’s structure and I need that now more than ever. Last night I was crying uncontrollably for a few hours. I don’t know why, I guess I’m just extremely depressed. I keep thinking about suicide, but I know that’s the easy way out. Sometimes I seriously would rather take the easy way.. even though it’s rather cowardly. I texted my sister, who is in her 6th year of college majoring in children’s psychology and I told her I think I’m depressed. Pretty much she responded telling me that depression is clinical and there aren’t really any good drugs out there to help me with it. She said that since it’s clinical, it will go away. She also said it will come back. She told me that there wasn’t much I could do, other than talk to a therapist unless I’m having thought about hurting myself. I would obviously never tell her I’ve cut myself. Or that I used to used drugs and alcohol to numb my pain. Or that I have an ED. So I just thanked her for her advice and ended the conversation there.


I don’t understand why I feel so alone, or why I break down uncontrollably. The only thing I do know is that you can’t make yourself happy with food. No matter how much ice cream I have, I will not be a happier person; I will just be a fatter one.

Food:
2/3 6” Steak Sub – 260
1 Chicken Salad – 140
1/2 Pear – 67
1/2 oz. Chicken Teriyaki – 20

487 Cal total.

Feeling: stressed but optimistic

Hunger level: 1

Life.

Yes, I’m alive… I’m so sure I’d say I’m alive and well. But I’m alive.


Sorry I haven’t posted in so long. It honestly astonishes me that 24 people care what I have to say.

It was homecoming this weekend, plus it was a 3 day weekend so as I’m sure you can imagine, I was pretty fucked up most of the weekend. I was smoked so much bud in the last 3 days that my lungs are probably going to give out soon. My liver probably doesn’t like me all that much either. I think I only had a few drinks, but they were strong. The only downside about this crazy weekend was the food. I’m still pretty depressed and I tend to binge eat when I am. But I think I’ve got in all under control now. I’m not sure how much I weigh. I can’t get near the scale. T told me at work today that I should lose 40 pounds. We were talking about diets and he flat out told me I should lose 40 pounds. He said that if I weighed 120 (which btw is pretty underweight for being 5’ 11”) the model agencies would ask me to do runway for them. I pretty much laughed in his face because 1.. He’s an ass hole, and 2.. We both know I would never be able to do that. You need to be pretty. Anyways, I’m going to keep this one short. Or try. I have homework. LOTS of homework. I’ve been so depressed that I’ve been sleeping all day and not going to school or work. It’s become a problem. But I know I’m not going to end my life. Well I know that now.. hopefully. I just need to get my ass to the gym and get my grades up. Then hopefully things will start looking up. Someday.

XX Sarah.