Cheers to Sobriety.

Yummayy.

All I’ve ever wanted is for my parents to be proud. I need to accept that I will never be good enough. In their eyes, I will always be the booze hound. The fuck up. The dumb ass. I’ve been trying so hard to stop drinking. And I’ve done pretty well if I may say so myself. I used to drink a few times a week. Before and after school, weekends, at football games, friends’ houses, really whenever I had the opportunity. I would tell my parents I’m going to a friend’s to work on a project. The closest I ever gotten to doing a project was seeing how many shots a take on average a week. One times I put a pink mark on every night I drank during the school year for about three months. It came out to around 40-50 times. I know I used to have a problem. I know other people know I used to have a problem. I still deny it to this day though. I don’t want people to know how fucked up I am. I just play it off as a “party” phase in my life. The stereotypical dumb drunk cheerleader. Yeah, my fat ass used to be a cheerleader. Well, that was before I got fat. Before I got suspended from every sport and activity in my school for my drinking issues.Not many people know this about me. In fact, not many people know much about me.

Today I had a break down when I got home from work. I’m just so stressed. I keep having flash backs to that night G took advantage of me. I can’t believe how dumb I was. God damn it. I have so much homework. H came over today again, I wish I could trust her, but I simply don’t. I will never tell H something I don’t mind the whole world, well at least the whole school knowing. I’m always so cautious about what I tell her. Oh yeah, we went to her friend’s house last night. And she had a half a beer. But Ii wouldn’t even take a sip! I’m proud of myself. Yay sobriety. At least for the time being anyways.. lol. But I’m on here trying to relieve some stress. Trying to get my mind off all the school and work I have in the next few days. Try like the next few years. My mom had a seizure yesterday. I’m sure it was my fault. Again. Her seizures are induced by stress. I am the primary source of stress in my mother’s life. The bitch fucking hates me. But deep down I know she loves me. Somewhere. Deep. Deep. Down. I’m sure she was just kidding when she told my dad she wants to sell me. Or when she said she would pay someone to keep me. That was just all motherly love. If my mom ever found out about my ED, well she would probably die. Right after killing me. I always wish I had someone to talk to about my ED. It’s hard to have just low self-esteem and such a low feeling of self-worth. I can’t honestly remember the last time I was truly happy. Probably with K, my old best friend. But we don’t have a good relationship anymore. She’s the one who got me on the path I’m on now. With all the drugs and alcohol and what not. Not to mention the stealing and lying and cheating. But what’s just as sad is the fact the I’ve corrupted E just as much as K corrupted me. Fucking pathetic. Tomorrow’s my sisters birthday. It’s also G’s birthday. I want to get G a bomb for his bday, for what he did to me. And I want to give my sister something really nice. But with all the lawyers I have to pay off, I don’t see that happening. Well I best get started on that homework. XX Sarah.