Appendi[crisis]

Idk why, but I really like this pic.

About two or three weeks ago, while online, I searched appendicitis on Wikipedia only to find out I made my appendix rupture in attempts to chase away the hunger pains. But hey, one less organ I need to worry about.

The day was Thursday April 15, 2010. Several days into the ABC diet, I could feel the hunger wash over me. I was on the elliptical, burning off the few calories I had the preceding day. This was routine to me. Eat calories, burn more calories, repeat. As I started to think about how hungry I really was, I tried the old flick the rubber band on the wrist trick. It couldn’t stop my thoughts of food. I started to hit my stomach to get rid of the starving feeling. I wouldn’t let myself eat. I couldn’t. I needed to have control. That’s what this whole thing is about in the first place.

I finished my 35 minute elliptical workout and moved on to yoga. I felt this sharp pain in my stomach. Surely I was constipated; I would have to take Metamucil later that night, maybe a few laxatives as well. I stopped thinking about the pain, as I had trained myself so well to do.

As the family dinner came along, I made up yet another excuse to get out of it. This time it was legit though, my stomach really hurt. As the night pushed on I started complaining to my dad. I asked for some tea. He told me to get it myself. I made my tea and went to bed. I woke up an hour later with my stomach hurting terribly. I took my Metamucil cocktail with 4 times the recommended amount. Only my body rejected it. I purged and I purged and I purged. There was nothing left. The rest of the night was hell, I hardly slept at all.

The next day was Friday, a school day with a big math test I was totally unprepared for.. Yay. Not. Eventually I suppose I fell asleep because my dad woke me up. Time for school, only one problem. I couldn’t walk. Now it wasn’t one of those “wow I’m so lightheaded, I should sit down” moments, I literally couldn’t walk. I couldn’t lift my right leg off the bed. Something was wrong. When I told my dad he told me to stop being such a faker and such a baby and that I will go to school no matter what. No more excuses. I ignored him like always. I went back to bed. He came in my room, rolled up my shade covering my window, turned on all my lights, turned on the fan, and lastly opened the window. Why does he do this strange routine you might wonder..? Because he is dumb and thinks it will help me wake up. I fall back asleep. My dad wakes me up yet again, an hour later. Its 8:30, and I’m half an hour late for school. I explain to him the pain I’m in. he looks up the symptoms and tells me I might have appendicitis. Turns out he had it around my age. So did the rest of his family. Great, the odds are not in my favor.

I pull on some sweats and limp to that white gas guzzling Cadillac Escalade. He starts driving to the doctor’s office and telephones my mom. We meet her at a nearby gas station. She gets in the back of the car and we keep going to the doctor. Mom opens a chocolate energy bar. I snap at her. The smell makes me “nauseous.” Yeah right, I love that smell, but it’s tempting for me. Smells link to the brain and could make me want to eat. My mom bitches the whole way, like always. “She needs to go to the ER. We need to take her to the ER.” We get to the doctor’s office and sit in the waiting room. My mom complains about the wait. I’m really antsy. I hate doctors’ offices. What if they weight me? What if they see how much weight I’ve lost? Are they going to catch on? They don’t weigh me. Thank god. The doctor looks at my shaking body. I’m a hot mess; sweltering tears running down my face, no makeup, and a sports bra and dirty t-shirt on. She pokes and prods at my stomach. I need to go to the ER. Great, a 40 minute partially bumpy drive.. That’s just what I need on top of all this pain. We get to the ER and I’m seen immediately.

Nurses ask me weird questions..

Have I ever had suicidal thoughts? No. (yes.)

How much do you weigh? 150. (130.)

Have you been hit by anything on your stomach recently? No. (yes. i hit myself.)

A doctor comes in and starts pushing my stomach. Does this hurt? Yes doctor. Everything hurts. She thinks I have an ovarian cyst. I wonder to myself if I’ll ever be able to have kids. I panic. I’ve always wanted kinds of my own. I get a MRI done, and I wait. And wait. And wait. Finally, yet another doctor comes in. I have appendicitis. I immediately get prepped for surgery; it’s an emergency surgery because my appendix is going to burst within hours. "Have you eaten anything in the last few hours?" I had something last night. But that was the last time I ate. (It’s been over a day since I ate last.) As the anesthetic starts to kick in I feel at peace. If you’re lightheaded you’re losing weight. I wake up in a weird room. I see other patients around me through the curtains. I then look at myself, down at the fat. I’m shivering and cold. Well that’s what my body thinks, but my temperature hasn’t been taken since I had the surgery. I ask for blankets. I fall asleep again. I wake up, still cold. I ask for more blankets and I get them, so warm and fuzzy. I have some water and the nurse comes in to take my temp. I’m running a 104.7 degree fever. Other nurses are alerted and I’m stripped from my blankets. I have ice placed all over me. I keep asking for more and more water. It's so pure, and it fills me up. My main nurse gets mad when she finds out how much water I’ve already had (apparently you aren’t supposed to drink or eat a lot right out of surgery. Oh well.). I’m given teddy grahams. Shit. How many calories are in this? I don’t know. I can’t eat this. Okay let’s say 10 cals a teddy. 15 teddies, that’s 150 cals. I count the calories in 5s since I bite half of one at a time. Slow and steady I think to myself. I fall back asleep, full from the 150 calories I had to eat. I wake up in my own room. Surrounded by family, friends, cards, and balloons. Wow. People really do love me. Friends comment on how thin I look. I feel great. People always say good things come from bad things right..? I start to eat. Pushing Ana’s angry voice out. I am good enough to eat. People love me now. I can do this. I find out I’m still running a fever. If it goes town I will be released in two days. It doesn’t go down that night, in fact it spikes. And I run a fever for 5 days. I was released on my second fever free day, day seven. I ate healthy amounts for the week I stayed in the hospital. When I got home, I automatically weigh myself. 145. I freak out. I need to work out right NOW. I change into those welcoming, very familiar workout clothes. Only to be stopped by my dad, the doctor said I can’t work out for another week. Panic washes over me. I’m frantic. I decide to take a nap, then I’ll figure out what to do with myself. As the weeks and days went on I decide to diet. Not restrict, just go on a healthy diet. I pushed angry Ana out of my head. I just wanted her to leave me alone, let me be free!